“hy” goes the first message. Then a second “hy”

Not “hi”. Not “hey”. I don’t know what language that is. Maybe this guy is hedging his bets and trying to speak some kind of Engspazulukaans. Maybe he was ‘high’. Who knows? He has to fuck off.

Then I get the following message:


By this time I am wondering whether it is a real person or just a cat that types ‘hy’ with its bum by accident when it sits on the keyboard. Who knows?

But it is quite a rhythmic message. A bit like a song. Let’s make it a rap song:

‘HY, HY, FUCK OFF, HY! (Song by Viv and Cat)

Hy, hy, Fuck off, Hy!

You are not my fucking bae!

Vat jou goed en fokken ry!

Hamba! Hamba! Go away!

What do you think? It has ‘best-seller’ written all over it!







IMG_7598 (1).jpg

How’s this oke?

Befriends me on Facebook. Inboxes me with this message:

“Hi im 4rm Jhb work in Pta n u?”

Here’s my issue: On Facebook, you have potentially more information about a person than on any on-line dating site. Photos, where you live, what you are interested in. He can come at me from any angle – but no.

Pielneus Pillay over here sends a poorly spelled, hastily typed message basically saying he figures anyone living within striking distance of the N1 is fair game.

I might as well have been standing at the Allandale Offramp with a placard saying:

“Pielneus! Pielneus! Pick me! Pick me!”

Verstaan jy?




No, twat. ‘Fuck off’ is the end of the conversation – not the start. ‘Fuck off’ is like a full stop at the end of a sentence.

It is not a comma. It is not a question mark. It is not a line break before the next chapter or paragraph. Our little talk is over. Finished and klaar.

Concentrate people! Punctuation is important.

An example:


Another example:

Punctuation does not apply to when a woman tells a man to fuck off. It is the same when you say:

Fuck off

Fuck off!

fuck. off.

fuck, off!